Entry: Mama Journal: Anxiety and Sadness Oct 25, 2012

Hi kids. This is hard to admit, and even harder to live through, much less put in print for all posterity. I'm in flux once again with my parenting and I'm not certain what direction to go in. It feels very lonely to be in this position. It feels very dark. Very bleak. It feels like post partum depression even though my youngest is 14 going on 15 months old. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever undertaken. With all the exasperation that comes with it, and it's day to day, I have to look so far in the future to see the changes that will eventually come. It all is too close right now, and feels suffocating on some days. Truth is, I feel like I'm failing you both as an educator and a mother some of the time. I hope not, but it feels that way from time to time. It's just so hard during the day to day to really step back and be the fun mom, the cool mom, the yes mom. I miss being the yes mom. I've turned into a no mom and I'm not sure when or how that even happened. Everything changed so fast. Boundaries are tested hourly, minute to minute. Attitudes are a constant, and tantrums follow. It's a war zone sometimes. I feel completely ill equipped to handle it all. And I feel alone in a sea of really great parents. I'm not certain how I've screwed up so badly. I feel like you don't like me some days, Gavin. That we are at odds on just about every single thing from breakfast to going to bed. I miss my wispy haired little boy. I didn't cherish those days enough. Cherish those days with your first born. They are so fleeting. You're growing up too fast for me to keep up and it scares me. I'm wondering if preschool is the answer for you. If homeschool is just not right, right now, or ever. You thrive when we work together... just socially, I'm not certain it's best. I can't give you the graces you need socially, seeing as how I'm a bit awkward and shy myself. I miss you, guy. You're my absolute favorite little boy to be around, and you are funny, handsome, brilliant, charming, and, again, funny. But, like me, your storm clouds rumble with the threat of ever present rain. The moments of bliss get further apart, as the moments of clashing between us get closer together. I fear that you will have therapy bills in the future, though I hope not. I'm reading and praying so much to seek guidance on where I should go and how to proceed. These years are formative and incredibly important. That fact does not do anything to take the burden of momma guilt away. Mary, you suffer tremendously at the hands of being a wee one in the world of an almost four year old. You are far more independent, motor skill wise, than I have ever been able to comprehend a child your age being. You've outpaced every milestone ever set by your brother, and are keen to getting into everything. Problem is, one look at your sweet face when you smile, and it's all over for me. I can hardly stay mad at you. You are rarely in trouble. But my focus is usually drawn to your brother in a most negative fashion. I hate that we don't spend more time together, you and me. Your brother had my time and attention in spades because he was the first. You are a hilarious little girl. Running, climbing, excited by the whole world around you. You just figured out 'noooo' and how to throw a tantrum. I know that we are going to rumble soon as well as your 18 monthday rolls around. I'm hoping you'll go easy on me, but truth be told, I'm hoping for easy teenage years over easy toddler years. I'm so off course, and I'm without a rudder. Here is the time where I go and try to figure out my faith yet again in my life. Try to find the very God I keep walking away from, thinking I can hold my own, it's my life, don't need any help, thankyouverymuch... When, like an errant child, I need constant guidance and reassurance. Kids, I want you to know I'm trying my very best. My very hardest to be the best mother I can be for you guys; so you can turn out to be the best adults you can be. I've never been so challenged before. Please forgive me in my parental failures and hiccups. I'm trying. I love you. Always.


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